sigh

2006-07-06T21:14:00.000+08:00

finally got our showcase's video which they sent via dhl earlier today. after 48 years! syempre di ako nakatiis... pinanuod ko agad when i got home. nakakatawa. hehe... syempre biased opinion yun!

namimiss ko na tuloy lalo ang mga tao from mt adults *sigh*

gusto ko ulit mag workshop!!!

2006-06-04T00:03:00.000+08:00

showcase is finally over.

i'm happy that i can finally rest but at the same time i'm gonna miss rehearsals, especially the last two weeks when we were coming in everyday.

============

i praise God for this experience. He truly used this summer to humble me and to teach me how to trust Him completely.

Lord, i know i am not worthy yet you continue to pour out your grace on me. i thank you Lord for this experience and for that little sprinkle you sent my way this afternoon.

i love you Lord. i didn't think i'd be this happy (and giddy?) today.

============

i thought my 4-year-old crush on *** was over. but no! hehe. whenever i see him, it just keeps on coming back. i was quite calm the whole day while waiting to set up and prepare for our 5pm show. but when i bumped into him and talked backstage about two hours before my class' performance, dinosaurs started to somersault in my stomach because of the big surprise that he was there too, not because i was nervous about the show. YET. haha.

============

i txtd *** a bit earlier saying that it was nice bumping into him and that i hope his show went well. and while i was typing the part about dinosaurs in my stomach, he texted me this: U too! Thank u! It went well!

just when i thought this day couldn't get any better...

2006-05-28T21:15:00.000+08:00

please watch our musical theater class's showcase The Journey Home (a modern adaptation of the Book of Ruth) on June 3 (saturday), 5pm at the AFP theater. tickets are at only 150 each. see you!

2006-04-16T22:15:00.000+08:00

it's been more than a month na pala since my last post.

oh well.

i'm definitely not gonna graduate on time. sabi ni mykee none of us passed our removal exam daw. puntahan ko pa si ma'am buerano one of these days. so even if i take the maximum 6 units this summer, di pa rin talaga makakaya mahabol. *sigh* may purpose si God. alam kong may gagawin pa Siya at ituturo sa akin kaya nangyari yun...

the 4 days of "summer break" is over. ni hindi ko man lang naramdaman. classes start tomorrow. ayoko pa!

i'm enjoying the adults' class. astig ni teacher sweet! it's gonna be my turn to sing on wednesday. haha. sana kayanin ko. pictorials din pala on that day. have to look for beach (pronunced bitch. hehe) wear pa. happy ako sa new friends. napagalitan lang ako ng mom ko cos i went home too late last time kasi nag-"dinner" pa kami.

miss ko na maka-bonding yung mga people from the retreat. hanggang ngayon can't get over ako. haha.

di ko na matandaan what else to say. haha.

2006-03-15T16:58:00.000+08:00

torn.

i've been agonizing for some time now whether to sign up for MT workshops in tanghalang pilipino or in trumpets. it's a matter of conflicting schedules and trying out new experiences...

joining playshop would mean that i'm gonna skip the first 2 or 3 meetings because i have to help organize the interSV camp/retreat in antipolo. and there is a big possibility that showcase might fall on the same date that my family's already blocked off for certain reasons. as for TP, the dates are quite amenable to my calendar but i have to be there by 6pm Tuesdays til Fridays, then workshops will be til 10pm. that wouldn't be so easy since i have to take 2 subjects this summer in diliman. both choices have their +s and -s which makes it even more difficult to choose.

haay buhay...

since i've already joined playshop last summer and now know what to expect from trumpets, i've been asking around for opinions about the TP workshops...

teacher mel --who was my teacher last summer and has worked with TP-- said that it's okay to try other groups and form my own opinion because "it's subjective."

sir lionel --who's also teaching in trumpets' musicademy and also works with TP-- is encouraging me to try the MT workshop there. i think he even said that the person teaching the adult class in TP used to be a student of his.
-->truth to tell, there's a third option hovering somewhere in my head that won't seem to go away: continue lessons with sir this summer in UP. argh! it's something i also want to do but my savings account can't seem to measure up to the challenge of paying for both MT and voice lessons. no, i will never think of not doing MT this summer so i can continue my voice lessons. but if by some twist of fate i can pull it off and save up enough cash, i'll really continue my lessons this april...

as if things aren't complicated enough...

ate erin texted me this afternoon asking for trumpets' number. she wants to do theater again (or was it streetdance?) this summer. so i gave her the number and told her that i'm still choosing between trumpets and TP. and then she goes on about workshops in ABS and its upsides... haay...

choices... choices...

2006-03-14T22:46:00.000+08:00

happy.

after such a long time, i got to semi-bond with alvin again. during my freshie year i used to go home with him everyday (sometimes with gis whom i'm also missing much) but now all we get to do is say hi whenever we bump into each other in phan.

i've long been regretting the "fall out" of our friendship and i've also been feeling guilty about the pride thing that kept me from apologizing sooner.

it's such a blessing that we got to catch up today. it's been so long since i've laughed and talked that much while riding the first jeep, the mrt and the second jeep. =) parang bumibilis ang biyahe. hehe.

*sigh* it just feels so good to unload some unexpressed thoughts and feelings to someone who doesn't judge easily and someone whom i know won't be preachy.

you're probably not gonna get to read this but i'm gonna write it down all the same...
salamat, alvin. na-miss talaga kita. na-miss ko na ang kwentuhan at tawanan, sapakan, kilitian, asaran, etc. kaasar! dadagdag ka pa sa mga iiyakan ko pag nag-graduate ka na. hmmph! miss na talaga kita. tapos magpapamiss ka pa nyan pag graduate mo. haay... basta. love kita. pero iiwan mo na ko. =( lahat na lang kayo mang-iiwan! sasama ka na bilang statistic sa mga unemployed. harhar. =)

2006-02-18T11:14:00.000+08:00

it’s amazing how prayer and sufficient sleep can make my world-weariness disappear. after being on edge this week (due to reasons i will never know), i literally woke up smiling even if the tv in our room was on full force (i hate tv in the morning!) while my sister was noisily preparing to leave for an early meeting.

i guess that part of my hyper emotions last night (for reasons i will never say) was due to lack of sleep and communication with God. ang galing cos when i woke up, wala na lahat nung gusto kong i-rant kay chickie kagabi. good thing hindi ko na naikwento kahit kanino cos now i KNOW that it was nothing, after all.

as i nurse my first cup of coffee (after a week-long evasion from it), i feel the urge to write; something i haven’t felt in months… as can be seen in the lack of entries in this blog.

so here i write a post-mortem of the week that was…

monday.
(oookay… i’ve been stuck for a couple of minutes now trying to think of ANYTHING to write about monday. i guess it was too uneventful to remember…) i skipped natsci (what else is new?!) and went to baclaran with my groupmates for our psych118 fieldwork. i also fussed a lot that night about not having anything to wear to the following day’s banquet… ending up opting for my 3-year-old little black dress.

tuesday. (Single Awareness Day)
didn’t have psych 162 cos we’re on research break. wasn’t able to consult with sir del pilar either cos my partner wasn’t able to come. so i just spent the whole time in our blackhole of a tambayan. k.drew and i practiced in the afternoon and eventually went to their house (i finally went INSIDE their house-- hindi na lang hanggang gate-- and NOT in tears during a goupwork-induced emergency) along with migs, faith p, feona and k.matt so that they can practice with the keyboard. at the end of the day, the song that was stuck in my mind was migs and faith’s song and not the one i was supposed to sing. haha.
the banquet was a blast kahit walang kilig factor. i felt so old. haha. ang sweet ng gents and i hope they meant what they said about the sv ladies. ang galing ng version nila feona and k.drew ng all i ask of you! didn’t come to the ladies night cos i was feeling poorly and had to do field work the following day.

wednesday.
woke up sick so i stayed home and slept all day.

thursday.
once again, di na naman ako pumasok sa natsci. haha. had a brief meeting with my 118 grpmates but we couln’t do what we were supposed to cos 3 of us didn’t have our id’s and therefore were unable to enter the lib. asked the parental units to let me (at the last minute) go to the fair and sleep over. of course they said no. initially. after much tears (salamat a.pepay at barbie sa inyong words of comfort) and pleading, they (actually it was just my mom. my dad was adamant with his “no”) finally said yes. so pumunta sa fair which was complete with jumping jologs and puking-like singing from the “and-many-mores”

friday.
was a bit sad cos i was compelled to watch my sister’s choirfest instead of staying in up. pero ok na rin cos i was able to hug my best friend (finally!) after such a long time and was able to see pattie, jem, alli, anagon and ange (sinama na rin kita kahit lagi tayo nagkikita hehe). miss ko na kayo, 4s!

so there. at least i was able to enjoy this week albeit my distaste for the commercialism and overextension of valentine’s. makes me realize that there’s no sense in being bitter about being loveless during a time of ubercheesiness.

friends, old and new, have made my valentine’s week full of love and laughter, more than i would have wanted or expected.

pahabol… k.drew and k.matt showed me old pics of *** when i was in their house. ang hirap sabihin na “ang pogi!” haha! at kahit gaano ko siya ka-crush ngayon, hinding-hindi ko ilalagay sa desktop ko yung picture (grade 7, was it?) na tinuturo nyo!

2005-12-17T10:09:00.000+08:00

mahal ko sv

nuff said

2005-10-06T12:09:00.000+08:00

you can't lose something you never had

- from how to lose a guy in ten days

2005-09-22T20:10:00.000+08:00

a huge thank you to christine ang, the very concerned helpful people in the bio building and ma'am roderos for her white flower =)

bumabalik na naman ang sakit ko... the whole dizzy - lips turning blue - getting numb - lips turning white deal again. parang high school minus the fainting. tapos it happened during lab uli. nung una i thought i was gonna throw up so christine accompanied me to the cr. pero mas di ako makahinga dun so we went outside the building na lang para mas mahangin. nakakatuwa kasi super concerned yung ibang people dun sa bio building at ihinatid pa nila kami ni christine sa infirmary. with matching breakdown in the middle of the road nung l300 nila. hehehe. UP talaga! tapos sa infirmary, they wanted a complete blood count. nung nakita ko yung needle biglang bawi ng arm ko at back out. di ko talaga kaya! good thing din nasundo ako ni mommy. salamat sa mmda at lifted ang color coding ng 10am to 3 pm. hay life. absent na naman ako sa psych145. tuwing nagkakasakit na lang ako, yung ang naaabsentan ko .

*sigh*

2005-09-10T20:50:00.000+08:00

now that i finally have the time to read sophie's world, i'm too lazy to do so. damn medications! I've been too woozy to do anything productive. i've done nothing but sleep the whole day and now i feel sluggish, too. i can't even think of anything more to write about. *sigh*

2005-09-08T18:30:00.000+08:00

it's another one of those phases when i find myself stepping back from reality and drifting into an imaginary world... a world where all my wants are realized and all the ugliness eliminated. this imaginary world is far from perfect yet it gives me the happiness and comfort that the real world cannot.

i know i should get out of this imaginary world soon, lest i get trapped in it and lose sight of reality. but that's hard for a dreamer like me.

my real world seems too uneventful, too plain.

given a chance i would want to live out a contemporary fairy tale complete with fields of sunflowers and a dashing hero-type singing songs of deep longing and love for me. in this world i also get to be the strong heroine, overcoming all obstacles in actualizing the self she yearns to be.

man! i need a life!

2005-09-05T18:15:00.000+08:00

ang sarap tumambay! kahit sobrang asar ng bio exam, sandali lang sa tambayan ayos na uli agad.

mabuhay ka carlo tañada!
hahaha si LAy lang ata makaka-gets nito kung bakit =)

2005-08-19T18:00:00.000+08:00

watched teacher andre (and the rest of the companY) last night at hard rock. he invited everyone from MTF but only teachers mel and ko, fair, mica, stephT, vince, meg, tippy, stephC, elaine and i were able to come. free entrance kami! super fun ng show! they really know how to play up their audience. and their singing is just so amazing! add pa the fact they they kept on referring to our table as "a bunch of talented kids from Trumpets." hehe =)tapos they made pa teacher mel (who was so beautiful last night--stress agrees with her!) sing with them impromptu. of course carry naman ni teacher mel, with matching love team mode pa with teacher andre. (hmmm... mommy and daddy of mtf05? =p)they even danced together during the last number. amazing talaga. i hope to watch their 20th anniv concert sa ccp. can't wait!

and it was also sooo great to catch up with mtf whom i haven't seen in ages.

tapos semi-good girl din ako. daiquiri lang ako last night. hehe =p

2005-08-07T11:53:00.000+08:00

went to banahaw for my pi100 class yesterday.

first we went to some sort of rizalist cult. then, we went down 270 steep and super slippery steps to go to the sta. lucia falls. bad trip kasi umulan so ang pangit ng tubig. super murky. then we had to go back up! tapos umakyat na kami ng bundok to go to the "husgado"-- basta cave yun na makakalabas ka lang kung hindi ka makasalanan. grabe! we were climbing rocks! i really didn't expect that we were gonna do that. akala ko puro rizal cults lang pupuntahan namin since it's a rizal class. but no! so pagdating dun sa may cave, everyone was asked to take their shoes off. bawal daw kasi kaya we had to go inside the cave barefoot. that's where i drew the line! ayoko talaga magpaa cos i have a foot fetish and ayoko din pumasok dun sa cave kasi baka madumihan lang ako e wala namana kong dalang change of clothes. and besides, i really don't like the idea of something supernatural judging my sinfulness. si Lord lang ang may karapatan mag-judge sa akin noh! so i stayed out of the cave with three other classmates while everyone else went in. tapos nun, we had to climb back down. sobrang dulas at umuulan pa. so nagmi-mix na talaga yung sweat at rain. grabe! pang extra challenge talaga!

stupid me. i didn't know we were gonna climb a mountain. good thing i wore rubber shoes! but no! hindi backpack ang dala ko! naka-messenger bag pa ako! so i had to hold it with one hand lest it gets dragged off into the mud! ang hirap kumapit sa madudulas na rocks cos i was using only one hand.

asar pa. when i was in the shower, i discovered that i had bruises and scratches! argh! di ko talaga expected na mamundok! ang dala ko nga puro books cos i was prepared to be bored by rizalista stuff! but no!

2005-07-30T13:53:00.000+08:00

i want a new layout

2005-07-16T18:21:00.000+08:00

tried the jazz class at airdance.
realization: i'll never be a dancer.
man! I REALLY SUCKED! and that's putting it mildly.

but that doesn't mean i won't try to dance again. after all, "practice makes perfect" as they say. but then i feel like i could be the exception to this. i should have started out with something simpler. (ehrm? is there a dance class more simpler than jazz?) my lack of dance background really showed today.

i'll stick to voice lessons FOR NOW.

2005-07-10T14:12:00.000+08:00

do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

--matthew 6:34

2005-06-18T15:02:00.000+08:00

all these thoughts of missing mtf made me think of 4S...

the wonderful people i've spent 4 incomparable years with... people i've laughed and cried with... people i've laughed and cried over... people who've also changed my life for good.

it has been ages since i saw you guys.

miss ko na kayo, 4S.

2005-06-15T14:28:00.000+08:00

i'm back into student mode. more like back into sv mode.

i didn't get the opportunity to REALLY miss sv this summer. pero pagbalik sa tambayan, my love for sv people came flooding back in. ganun pa rin. parang walang nagbago. marami nang gumraduate, marami nang bagong members, but it's still the sv that i love.

i didn't have time to miss sv because i got to know a new set of wonderful people this summer: mtf.

at this point, nami-miss ko pa rin ang mtf. withdrawal symptoms siguro.

super flooded ng inbox ko with messages from mtf. and i'm really happy about it. pero alam ko rin na in a few weeks, unti-unti nang hihina ang flow ng messages. we're still on an mtf high right now, kaya ganito pa tayo kadalas mag-email sa isa't-isa. siguro ganito ang ina-anticipate ko kasi alam ko na personally, i'll get caught up in the things that i have to do that i might get in touch with you less often. ang negative ng dating noh. well, it's up to you guys to prove me wrong. in fact, i want you to prove me wrong! syempre mas gusto ko namang makarinig from you as often as i hear from you now noh!

ANYWAY

what i'm trying to say is that i've just realized that at first we'll really miss the people that we've grown accustomed to. but when new people come into our lives (or the old ones come back in), the emptimess is nudged away. but that doesn't mean that the new friends replace the old ones (or vice versa). they simply fill out the empty spaces in our lives making it fuller, more colorful and extra special.

i must admit that i'll soon stop missing mtf this much. but that wouldn't mean that i'll love you guys any less. it would only mean that i'm moving on with my life. i wouldn't go around wishing that you guys are still around me always. that won't do anyone any good. but i'm definite that the next time i see you, i'll love you as much as that day when i realized that i'll never be the same me again because of mtf.

at sa minamahal kong sv, humanda kayo sa'kin! i'm back with a vengeance at nadagdagan lalo ang aking kakulitan, kaingayan, kaweirdohan at kagandahan!

2005-06-13T18:43:00.000+08:00

*sigh* it's only now that i really paid attention to the words of this song. i know this is pauline's trademark, but i couldn't help it. this song really sums up my summer with mtf...

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

i just saw you guys last saturday yet i miss you already. *sigh* God bless y'all.

2005-06-11T23:29:00.000+08:00

had a blast at our cast party. was one of the early birds along with billie (thanks for the superb venue!), vince (great job in organizing!), patrick (thaks for the ride!), stephC (aka christine) and teach andre (who had to leave early). it was so funny to watch the video that patrick's parents filmed. syempre puro si patrick! hehehe. around that time ata dumating si jio na sumentro sa food table. ang gulo din sa pool. si carl ayaw daw mag-swim because of an allergy or something pero natulak sa pool so no choice siya. si pauline, ayaw pa nung una, pero bumigay din sa huli. si teach k.o. ayaw daw mag-swimming tapos biglang naka-sports bra na lang at nag a la beauty pageant contestant pa. sila chris, pianne, ara and justine din, ayaw pa daw kunwari tapos tumalon din sa pool IN JEANS! wait, nag-boxers naman ata si justine (whose prince will come... hopefully before her prom). sila babila and mica dumaan lang. si stephT, nel and christine mabilis umalis. at hot mamma (mia!) talaga si tippy. left there mga past 9. patrick dropped elaine, teach mel and me sa quezon ave. elaine went to another party tapos kami ni teach mel (na 'di ma-resist ang tawag ng ice cream) took the mrt. i took a cab home after i got off the mrt. now i'm sooo tired. pero super fun talaga. kelan next?

2005-06-10T21:28:00.000+08:00

i'm beat! left home at 6am; pi100 from 7 to 8:30; french11 from 8:30 to 10; psych150 from 10 to 11:30; read for 171 from 11:30 to1; philo171 from 1 to 2:30. imagine! not a minute's break from 7am to 2:30pm! scratch that. bumili pa naman pala ako ng coffee sa casaa. at least nakatambay pa rin after ng classes. tapos punta kami chockiss nila d.drew, k.miko, lebi and anna. ang kulit ng jokes ni k.miko. benta. promise. dumating din si ate kat. tapos bumalik kami sa tambayan. masama na tingin nung waiter. masyado na ata kami matagal nakatambay. able to leave up mga 6:30 na. haba ng pila sa jeep. got home a few minutes before 8. haay... pagod na ko!

2005-06-09T18:35:00.000+08:00

i wish it's already saturday!!! can't wait to go to the cast party and see the mtf people whom i miss so much. the thought of seeing you guys this weekend SLIGHTLY eases my stressed-out state. tonight, i have to read 145 pages for philo171, read a chapter for psych150 and brush up on my french because my french11 teacher expects us to understand everything she says since we've all passed french10 already. all for tomorrow! and it's only my second day of school today! ugh!

2005-06-01T19:04:00.000+08:00

naka-shift na ko from BS to BA psych. ehrm... what's the difference? *sigh* ewan. basta lang ayaw ko mag-disect ng pusa kaya ko nag-shift. what now? ewan din. doesn't make any difference to me pala, now that i think about it. i'm more lost than ever.

di naman kasi ko makapag-isip kung ano gusto ko because there are always people nagging me. law school daw. period. may sasabihin akong gusto ko, lagi naman kinokontra. pinipilit yung gusto nila para sa'kin!

to hell with people telling me what to do! pwede bang yung gusto ko naman!

2005-05-31T21:57:00.000+08:00

i'm finally back in the world of the living.

the party we've been slaving over didn't go (at all!) as planned last night. but still turned out to be one hell of a good time!!!!!! think henna artists and belly dancers!!! speaking of which... the henna thing on my back got ruined cos it wouldn't dry up quickly cos of all the sweatiness that goes with running errands all night. argh!

i'm waaaaaaayyy tired! wanted to go to shang to meet up with mtf people, but was dead tired so didn't go na lang. slept all day. and now my head hurts. damn!

miss ko na mtf!!!

2005-05-28T19:49:00.000+08:00

been going around reading mtf people's blogs. promise naluluha ako. lalo sa blog ni stephC. *sigh*

i didn't think i'd grow to love mtf this much. seriously. feeling ko kasi napakatanda ko na compared to you guys. nadagdagan pa yun nung first day when i learned that almost everyone enrolled with their friends. i got comforted a bit when i learned that sugar, babila and hannah were also in college na. even more so when ellen, queenie and rachelle came in. at least meron na akong agemates. but then they started disappearing, hanggang kami na lang ni sugar and babila ang natirang college people. ay, si patrick din pala! tapos there was that rocky spot pa. syempre super guilty ako noh! (i know i shouldn't be bringing this up, but i'm really, really sorry to those i've offended. it was never my intention to hurt anyone. promise.) but everything turned out fine. hindi man ako naging close sa lahat, i've grown to love every individual in the class. minsan meron pa ring mga "groupings" pero in the end it didn't matter cos we were one well-oiled machine. believe me when i say that you guys became the reason why i started listening more to my calculus class. ayoko kasing magmadali umuwi sa bahay to study. kaya nakinig na lang ako as much as i can para i get to stay in shang longer. and i praise God unang natapos ang calculus ko kesa trumpets. buti na lang nakasama pa ko sa ibang food court moments. hehehe...

and now it's over. i don't want to be dramatic, but then kakagaling lang natin sa isang acting workshop so palagay ko ok lang. hehehe... i'm really gonna miss each and everyone of you. nalulungkot pa ako cos even if i enrol in trumpets again next summer, adult class na ako. *sigh*

when pauline and i talked about it, we agreed that trumpets is another world, a place apart from our own "real worlds." as i go back to my "real world," i'll bring every smile, every hug and every bittersweet memory you've given me. seven weeks lang tayo nagkasama-sama, but i know that i'm not the same person that i was before because of the marks that you guys have left in my life.

warning lang sa mga nagbabasa ng blog ko... i have this feeling na puro ganitong klaseng entries ang mababasa nyo for the next few days.

2005-05-28T07:59:00.000+08:00

to my beloved MTF,

WE ROCK!!! hehe... ang ganda ng story dun sa letter ni teach mel... and i can sincerely say that you've all been mirrors reflecting glorious light into my otherwise dreary summer. *sigh* it's just the morning after and i already miss you guys so much. no kidding. believe it or not, you guys have become a very bright spot in my days. i really love you!!! if there's one thing i'm really sad about, it's that i didn't get to spend as much time bonding with you as i would have wanted to. (argh! sagabal talaga ang acads sa kaligayahan!) mami-miss ko ang pagtambay sa labas ng little gym, ang mga "life questions" at ang mga profound na sagot ni teach k.o., ang pagpunta sa frio mixx o sa food court after ng classes, at lalo na ang mga classes natin. i really hope to see you guys again soon. balitaan nyo ko kung kelan cast party ha, and kung sino pwede pagpiratean ng video hehehe. =)

special mention to some people...

ellen, rachel and quennie: sayang talaga di kayo umabot ng showcase. it's not the same without you guys. wala na kasi akong kasamang matanda! hehehe...

paola: how's your "cousin"? hehehe...

hannah: ano na nangyari sa'yo? just text or call me when you need someone to listen to your rants, ok?

sugar: may utang ka pa kwento! love you!

babila:hoy babae! magkikita tayo ha! lunch or whatever. we'll arrange it. change your mind, change your mind. trumpets ka na lang uli next summer! sige na!

I LOVE YOU GUYS. WE ROCK!

ps ang gaganda nating lahat. hehehe...

2005-05-19T20:07:00.000+08:00

FOR MY BELOVED MTF:

here is my attempt to answer the questions jio posted in his blog, as well as my take on our topic for the moment. di ako nagpapanggap na marami akong alam about this. quite the contrary, if truth be told. pero interesting ang mga katanungan nila jio at pauline ha. these are what i believe in. i'm very open to violent reactions or any other questions from you guys. (at sa mga ate o kuya o iba pang nagbabasa na may gustong i-correct o i-comment sa mga pinagsasabi ko, tag on!)

JIO: bakit nga ba nabuo ang mundo? what is our purpose? siguro naman kasi walang kwenta kung namatay tayo at mawawala ang memories, then what's the point of living?

--we will never be able to answer these. si LOrd lang talaga ang may alam niyan. IN MY OPINION, kahit ang pinakamatalinong tao sa mundo at ang pinakamaalam sa bible could only come up with hypotheses regarding these questions. we should keep in mind that we were created by Him. nag-provide din Siya ng manual to guide us on how to live: ang Bible. unti-unti rin naman niya ire-reveal sa'tin ang purpose natin e. makinig lang tayo at sumunod sa kanya. pero syempre di ibig sabihin nun na masasagot lahat ng tanong natin. instead of problematizing the whys and what fors at ang point ng ating existemce, let's just live our lives in righteousness and according to His will. at syempre know that we are here for a purpose. don't be too concerned about earthly memories. mas masaya ang naghihintay sa atin sa heaven.

JIO: is there a life after death? so ano ang totoo? heaven? reincarnation? napakalaki naman ng heaven para maaccomodate lahat ng souls.

--eternal life. heaven is said to be the final destiny of the righteous. more simply, heaven is defined to be THE PLACE WHERE GOD IS. wag ka magalala kung gaano kalaki ang heaven at kung kasya tayong lahat dun. walang hangganan ang kakayanan ni LOrd, diba?

JIO: MAy hell nga ba? si god din ba gumawa nun? so diba anghel din si satanas? eh anghel siya dapat malinis konsensiya niya. he is a flaw (if ever he exists --YEP, HE SURE DOES!) and therefore the one who created him has a flaw.

-- "and war broke out in heaven: michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon and his angels fought, but they did not prevail, nor was a place found for them in heaven any longer. so the great dragon was cast out, that serpent of old, called the devil and satan, who deceives the whole world; he was cast to the earth, and his angels were cast out with him." --revelation 12:7-9 (nkjv)

--"why did god not prevent evil from entering the universe since He knew in advance what would happen? why did he not make man incapable of sinning? god COULD have prevented evil from entering our world, but had he done so, we would not have the image of god or be human beings with freedom of choice. we would be ROBOTS or talking dolls... though we have no final answers to sin's origin, God knew what would happen and thought it was worth the risk..." --Know What You Believe ni PAul Little

--ok, so sa part na to mejo napapaisip din ako. pero at the end of it, naniniwala ako na may purpose kung bakit may evil. on the surface level, pwede natin i-compare ang good at evil sa pangit at maganda. paano mo malalaman na maganda ang isang bagay kung wala kang pagbabatayan. therefore, nag-eexist ang pangit na contrast ng maganda. (i warned you na mababaw ang comparison na ito...) as with most other things, nalalaman mo ang value ng isang bagay dahil meron itong ka-contrast (mabango/mabaho, maliit/malaki, etc.) sa kasong ito, mas nakikita natin ang goodness ng Panginoon from the contrasting evil. moreover, flawless si God! hindi pa siguro natin malalaman kung bakit, but i'm very sure na may dahilan Siya kung bakit mayroong evil sa mundo.

it all boils down to faith. alam naman natin na napakaraming contrasting beliefs sa mundo e. kaya nga tayo nagkakaroon ng ganitong confusions and questions, diba? at the end of the day, nasa atin what we choose to believe.

2005-05-19T15:37:00.000+08:00

darned 4th exam! grace na lang talaga ni Lord, kung pumasa ako. finals na lang!!!

ang astig nung sinabi ni teach k.o. yesterday about the council of heaven and veil of forgetfulness stuff. super interesting. so sad that there's no available copy of whatever book that was from. pero ang weird lang. i asked peejay about it kanina, and he said puro baligtad daw yun sa alam niya. hmmm...

2005-05-18T13:26:00.000+08:00

killing time in bluskies. ang aga nag-dismiss ng calculus teacher ko, so ang aga ko dito sa shang.

ang ingay nung katabi ko. i'm so not used to internet cafes. ang ingay! oh well. no choice. i'm out of cash and my feet hurt already so shopping is not an option right now.

jio was just here. ka-ym ko lang kanina to a. ang bilis naman makapuntang shang. he left his wallet daw sa taas. may tao na ata. makaakyat na nga sa trumpets. baka mapagkamalan pa kong computer junkie dito sa sobrang tagal ko.

obvious bang walang magawa?

4th exam na tomorrow. tapos final exam sa monday. if anyone's reading this, please pray for me!!!

frustrating ang crs!!! argh!!!

2005-05-17T16:22:00.000+08:00

calculus exam moved to thursday. haaay... at least my brain's gonna get some rest tonight. ok pa naman so far ang standing ko. i'm just worried about the fourth exam kasi sobrang di ko talaga gets yung stuff that we're discussing. to think na last na yung lecture kanina. *sigh*

summer's nearing its end. so sad. ayoko pa matapos ang trumpets. tapos i'm only gonna be able to take a break from school for about a week. summer break ba talaga?! and within that week's break reg din for 1st sem. e sa up pa naman napaka-impossibleng matapos agad ang reg. pila galore na naman yun. argh!

just wondering... bakit kaya laging dami absent from playshop lately?

2005-05-14T08:28:00.000+08:00

i'm waaaaaaaaaaay tired.

i have to get up everyday at 5:30 just to get to my class on time. (haha. that's cos i take too long in the shower!) and by the time i get home, i only have enough strength to have dinner and shower. and then i'm dead to the world again. for some unexplicable ( is there such a word?!) reason, i've been waking up at around 2am lately. i have to force myself to go back to sleep cos i don't want to fall asleep in the middle of my calculus class. even on weekends i'm up by 6am. dang! my body clock's all messed up already!

but i'm still loving my life, contrary to my rants.

i love you, Lord!

can't go to the mtf bonding later cos i have a million errands to run. can't go to the auds with sugar tomorrow, either. so sad. *sigh*

2005-05-05T16:09:00.000+08:00

scott's finally been booted out of american idol! praise god!

~*~*~*~

math exam tomorrow. will try to study later. operative term being TRY...

i have a good feeling that i'll pass tomorrow's exam for the very simple reason that scott's out and i'm really happy about it that i just might study tonight. hehehe... (",)

~*~*~*~

really hating my hair. i shouldn't have had it cut. two years' worth of hair down the drain!

~*~*~*~

been feeling really sad about some things written in my friends' blogs. i didn't think things would escalate to this level. to those whom i've hurt, i'm sincerely sorry. i really love mttf and i wouldn't want the whole class to be affected.

to those of us who've said not-so-good things, let's own up to our harshness and be responsible for what we've said. let's stop all these bitterness and bickering. i just pray that everyone will be more understanding and forgiving towards each other. i just hope that everything clears up before it affects the whole class.

i just want world peace.

2005-05-01T16:32:00.000+08:00

finally! ben & jerry's is now available in the philippines! to borrow a line from kuya iking: "si Lord na lang kulang, heaven na!" but then, hindi naman. exage na yun. basta! super yummm!!!

had my hair cut. it's so much shorter than it used to be. you'd think i'm exaggerating if you saw me cos it might seem long pa rin. but then you should have seen all the hair on the floor. kakahinayang. two years' worth of hair na super minimal lang ang binabawas. not counting that one time i chopped my bangs off ha. oh well. pinapanindigan ko lang na unti-unti kong inuubos ang buhok ko whenever... basta yun na yun. haaay! buhok ba naman ang pag-initan!

i want a curling iron!!!

bumped into pattz at the supermarket din. ang saya cos halos every week ko sya nakita lately. (",)

going back to the condo. just stopped by the house to get more clothes cos i ran out of pantulog. hehehe. bubble bath galore!

2005-04-28T21:49:00.000+08:00

i'm wearing a gigantic smile right now. for some reason, i'm finding it extremely difficult to forget about it.

totally unexpected. totally unprepared.

tried to snap myself awake. tried to pinch myself back to reality.

but it wasn't a dream nor a figment of my imagination. neither was it a desire brought to life by wishful thinking.

it was real.

it really happened. again.

2005-04-28T14:29:00.000+08:00

am here in my friends' house. nakikitambay til i have to leave for riot sa edsa shang.

si ate kat tulog sa taas. si ate peps tulog sa sofa. at si charm... naghihilik sa lapag. hehehe...

how i wish i have a camera with me right now!

2005-04-28T13:40:00.000+08:00

not knowing really sucks.

i feel as though i'm stuck in nowheresville, unwilling to move in any direction until i know the definite way out.

such a wrong way of thinking. i know i should just take things in stride and cast all my cares upon Him.

as in most things, it's easier said than done.

2005-04-26T21:23:00.000+08:00

what was i thinking taking calculus while doing musical theater this summer?!

i'm too damn tired 97% of the time.

i don't even get to sleep as much as i want to!

argh!

oh well... just one of my never-ending list of rants.

still smiling, contrary to how my entry seems.

2005-04-12T18:36:00.000+08:00

spent the afternoon with pattz, erena and chame. had lunch, went videoke-ing, and did lotsa talking! hay! i wish i could see them more often. *sigh* ehrm... di pala counted si charm sa statement na yun. (",)

also saw my bestfriend today. pero sandali lang.

haay... i miss those people.

wala na naman ako boses and my throat's killing me. but what was i to do? keep quiet when i was with my barkada whom i haven't seen for almost ten months?! syempre isantabi muna ang pag-aalala sa boses.

but no! the remaining half of the class (which includes me!) has to sing tomorrow. oh no!!! i have to try that pei pa koa thing that my classmates recommend. i really hope it works.

2005-04-11T20:01:00.000+08:00

just got my first singko! in math100! wheee!!!!
not that i'm proud of it or anything like that. of course not! it just seems so monumental and emotional. the first uno felt like nothing compared to this. hehehe...

my throat really has bad timing. my throat feel like crap today just when we're doing pitches, stresses and volume. so lalo lang lumala ang throat ko and i really do sound like a frog right now. medyo prophetic pala yung assignment sa'kin kanina where i had to "transform" into a frog and hop away. good thing i wasn't asked to sing today but will definitely have to on wednesday. sana magkaboses na ko!!!

2005-04-08T21:09:00.000+08:00

God is really sooo good!

He never fails to sprinkle my days with unexpected smiles and blessings.

rode the mrt and lrt with one of the girls in my musical theater class and got to talk about random stuff. when the lrt was nearing my stop, she mentioned that she didn't belong to any religion and that she didn't know the difference between christianity and catholicism. because i really had to get off the train, i resolved to bring this up with her next time that i get the chance. after all, playshop still has almost two months to go.
i'm confident that He will be the one to set the perfect time and way to use me to share to her. i know i can't pass this up. i know He'll tell me when and how.

backtrack a bit to the middle of that mrt and lrt ride... when we got off at the mrt's last station, i bumped into the "retreaters." according to kuya matt, i jumped and screamed in a very high pitch when i saw them. but all i could remember was that when i saw kuya budj and kuya matt, i started to hug them right in the middle of the mrt platform and hugged everyone else when i realized they were also there (esbi ha... hindi naman yung ibang passenger ng mrt!)
i didn't realize that i've been missing esbi so much 'til i saw them. man! i love those people!

also made plans to meet up next week with my beloved barkada whom i haven't seen since june of last year. can't wait!!! yay!!!

*sigh*

ang bait mo po, Lord.

2005-04-03T17:18:00.000+08:00

Tired of weaving dreams too loose for me to wear
Tired of watching clouds repeat their dance on air
Tired of getting tied to doing what’s required
Is life a mere routine in the greater scheme of things?
Through with taking roads someone else designed
Through with chasing stars that soon forget to shine
Through with going through one more day – what’s new?
Does my life still mean a thing in the greater scheme of things?
Each must go his way
But how can I decide?
I need some kind of star to lead me somewhere far

Which road I should take; who will be my guide?

To find a higher dream in the greater scheme of things
The road before me bends; I don’t know what I’ll find
Will I meet a friend or ghosts I left behind?
Should I even be surprised that you’re with me in disguise
For it’s your hand I have seen in the greater scheme of things
I think I’ll follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
I hope to find my place so my life will fall in place
I know in time I’ll find my place...
For yours is the voice in my deepest dreams
You are the heart, the very heart of the greater scheme of things
So here I think I’ll follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
I hope to find my place, so my life will fall in place
I know in time I’ll find my place...
Why don’t we follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
One day we’ll find our place
For all things fall in place
For all things have a place in the greater scheme of things

--Pilgrim's Theme
Lyrics by Johnny Go, SJ
Music by Manoling Francisco, SJ

2005-04-03T07:04:00.000+08:00

from pattie's (tricia) blog:
At narealize ko... na kailangan kong kayanin. At kailangan ko lang kumapit. Huwag bibitaw. Siguro, sa mga panahong nahirapan ako, bumitaw na pala ako sa Kanya. Kaya ako naligaw, nawala.

Absorbing that 2-word sentence made me feel that I can make it.

And I also remembered another important thing that Days has taught me...

TANGGAP LANG NG TANGGAP.

Sabi nga nila, hindi ka bibigyan ng pagsubok ni Lord na alam Niyang di mo kaya. At kung sakaling di mo na nga mapasan, bubuhatin ka Niya, o aakuin Niya yung krus na bitbit mo. O kaya naman, gusto Niya na may matutunan ka sa pagsubok na ibinigay Niya para sa iyo.

from pattz' (trishie) blog:
...nagbabalik loob na ako and this time i promise i'll hold on... hindi na ako bibitaw agad... i miss saying that, "kapit lang", "tanggap lang ng tanngap" and "Basta ikaw Lord!"... kaya lang i think when you're in a rough ride, saying that become 100X harder and yes i haven't been able to say those things in a while... or if ever i said them, i guess i didn't really mean them that much... sorry kasi nagkulang ako sa pagtitiwala sayo. sorry kasi sinayang ko ung mga binigay mo sa akin. sorry kasi i let people and certain things lure me away from you. sorry kasi nawala ka sa mga priorities ko. sorry kasi naging stubborn na naman ako. sorry kasi ikaw na naman ung sinisi ko. sorry kasi naging insensitive ako sa nararamdaman mo at ng mga tao sa paligid ko. sorry kasi i didn't know when to shut up. sorry kasi nasaktan kita. sana we can start over ulit. kasi this time, when i start anew i want you to be with me. gusto ko, sa pagbabagong buhay ko (ulit!), ikaw na ung nasa sentro ng buhay ko. alam kong magiging mahirap ung daan sa pagbabago muli, sa pagsisipag at sa pagseseryoso pero basta andyan ka alam kong kakayanin ko. Jess, wag mo akong iwanan. wag ngayon, kasi kailangang-kailangan kita sa buhay ko.

been reading some of my friends' blogs and was really blessed by what pattz and pattie were writing. i really miss 'em so much!
dang!
i wanna see them again. soon.
i wanna hug 'em and tell 'em that i'm sooo happy for them. that the Lord is truly awesome.
*sigh*
kung kelan naman gusto mong makita ang mga tao, saka naman natapos ang debut season! haay...

2005-03-28T18:19:00.000+08:00

(charm, PATTZ, erena, me - taken around seven hundred years ago)

pattz.
uberbrains. sipag to the max. valedictorian.
fashionista. prinsesa. ganda.
model. diva. all-around artista.
ka-click. kabarkada. sister.
san ka pa?

may GOD really bless you always and fill your life with HIS joy and love

happy birthday

basta ikaw, mahal na mahal kita

2005-03-19T18:23:00.000+08:00

minsan di ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit ko nilalagay ang sarili ko sa mga ganitong sitwasyon.

*sigh*

oh well. it's not the end of the world...

smile na lang uli.

but then i think na nasobrahan na nga ako sa pag-smile kanina. hehehe.

2005-03-15T19:33:00.000+08:00

too tired...

but still smiling.

i praise you, Lord, for sustaining me.

2005-03-13T18:29:00.000+08:00

my phone got stolen last thursday. oh well.

temporarily using another number. no plans of posting it here though, so just ask me in person or something if you need to text or call me.

hehe ang labo.

2005-03-05T19:45:00.000+08:00

just saw million dollar baby. pretty good. full of blood and gore which really grossed me out. but the story struck me because of one of its underlying messages.

i think there's really something being revealed to me today: if you really want something, act on it and never give up 'til you get it. don't be disheartened by the hindrances, fallbacks and negative things that come along the way. just do it even if you die trying!

but of course it still has to be pleasing to the Almighty.

and i'm not sure about the die trying thing though...

2005-03-05T09:04:00.000+08:00

it's funny, Lord, how you devise ways to speak to me.

as i was going through one of my manila envelopes where i kept some newspaper clippings, i picked up a back issue of some lifestyle column thinking that it was the article i needed. not knowing that i got the incorrect article, i started reading and came across these words which were printed almost a month short of a year ago: "you should really follow your heart, and don't let fear stop you. don't let other people say you can't do this. if you know in your heart you can do it and you want it, then do so."

it's almost scary that it was written in the context of what i've been praying about. and the sole reason i stashed that clipping in that envelope was simply because there was a picture of my crush in it. it's been there for more than eleven months now but i haven't bothered to read it before.

Lord, is this why You made me keep this article? is this why You let me read it at this moment? is this the answer to my question?

~* *~

one other thing i'd like to write about...

God really is awesome in the ways in which He devises things.

there's this something that i really wanted to do, but there was a problem with the late schedule. but i resolved to still do it despite the safety factor. when i went to register, the Lord gave me the most wonderful surprise... i can actually enlist in the afternoon session. but now, i realize that it's gonna be conflicting with my acads sched in some important dates. well... i know that He's gonna help me again so i'm not worrying too much about it. i just pray that He tell me soon if i should just transfer to the late class so as not to compromise my acads sched.

shux!

2005-03-04T19:10:00.000+08:00

You're like me! The intelligent loner. You're shy
at times but friendly, and you are never weak
and always independent. You are incredibly
intelligent (wise beyond your years) and have a
talent for many things (sports, music, art).
You have a kind and warm personality and enjoy
the simple things. Like hanging out with
friends and watching movies at home. But you're
sometimes quiet nature makes you a bit of an
outcast and a mystery to people. No matter how
pretty you are or smart or athletic, you just
can't seem to break into the crowd and be
noticed. Don't worry, try to be more outgoing
and speak out when you have more to say. Don't
hide behind your books and sports and computer,
get out there and get noticed. You also have
deep desires in life and feel vunerable and
alone at times. Don't feel sad either, What
helps me to express feelings and dreams that I
can't say to people, is through my writting.
Maybe you should try.

What kind of girl are you? (with pix!)
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-02-26T16:37:00.000+08:00

i praise and thank You, Lord, for this opportunity to help organize the ladies' night. the topic you gave us hit so close to home that i was repeatedly rebuked while we were preparing the message that you wanted to teach through us.

salamat po talaga, Panginoon.

2005-02-19T22:23:00.000+08:00

to you...

it hurts and offends me that you turn away whenever i reveal the depth of my faith to you. you almost make it seem like a disease. you ask me to filter all the "spiritual" things i say. it hurts me that you don't seem to accept me anymore. it may seem illogical to you, i know. but to me, your rejection of my faith is also a rejection of my being.

i know we both have changed. we definitely seem worlds apart. but i didn't think it would come to this point where you'd ask me to be a different person with you. this hurts me so much becuase i love you. and that is precisely the reason that i want to be honest with you in all aspects; precisely the reason why i want to share my faith with you.

there'd be nothing i'd want more than to share His love with you. but you wouldn't even hear of it.

you're supposed to be my best friend, right? at least, you're mine. i don't know if your stand on our friendship has changed.

i don't know why, but you seem to be so alien to me now. we rarely talk. and when we do, it seems that our conversations just add to the distance between us.

you ask me to stop talking about my faith because it's not your thing; that you do not want to hear me talk of such things. what do you think i feel when you talk about the things that make me feel so alienated from you? and even if i don't agree with the things you say, i never tell you to stop talking. because i accept you. i accept you wholly and fully because i love you.

i cry as i'm writing this because there'd be nothing i'd want more to share the Lord with you. but how can i even start when even the smallest mention of God turns you off.

you used to be the religious one. what happened?

i'm not asking you to change your beliefs or drop your life. i only want to share my happiness with you. but you make my so-called righteousness sound like a disease.

i know i've changed. and i'm definite that it has been for the better.

what i don't understand is why can't you just be happy for me and accept me. you're supposed to be my best friend, right? or at least, on my part.

please don't reject me because God is always included in what i say... you can't make me stop talking about God. i'm sorry but i really can't.

2005-02-17T21:05:00.000+08:00

i consider myself a very tolerant groupmate. i try, as much as i can, to be considerate and understanding when my groupmates fail to deliver. but i have to draw a line somewhere.

i'm not a tattletale. i've never been one. but this time we had no choice but to do something about this groupmate. my other groupmates and i have endured so many papers without her help. we're tired of including her name when she hasn't done a thing. even our prof has noticed this. in fact, he was the first to mention it -- way back at the beginning of the semester. we gave her almost 3 months, 4 experiments and 1 proposal's worth of chances. the sem's a month away from ending. nothing still. we really had to act. now.

yes, i'll feel guilty if she has to drop this class. but what other choice did we have?

2005-02-15T22:20:00.000+08:00

finally! i get to blog today! i get to blog today! yay! =)

my day (in no particular order)...

my best friend called for no other reason than to make kamusta. a miracle! it's always great to hear from her... kahit na five minutes lang. i rarely get to talk to her *sigh*
oh my! her birthday's comin up na nga pala!

helped (kahit konti) in the venue preparation for sv's banquet night. ang gaganda at ampopogi talaga ng sv! how i wish i could have stayed...

got to chat with kuya gelo, who dropped by the tambayan. it's always fun when they drop by. astig at kakatawa ng mga kwento. his words of wisdom (paraphrased though): stay as long as you can in college! hehehe...

got to math really early for the 4th day in a row. another miracle! hahaha... kung ang pagpasa ay sa attendance lang. *sigh*

met with my adviser who consumed so much of my time. because of her, got late for comm3 wherein i had a group report. ma'am wouldn't let my groupmates start without the outline which was with me. so i had to run from phan to cal. tapos diretsong report with matching song number! haaay!!! no wonder my zits keep on multiplying.

prayed all the way from philcoa to la salle. grabe! scary nung driver. sobrang bilis! we got to la salle in 30 minutes, when it normally takes at least an hour with "normal" drivers!

as for yesterday (otherwise known as single awareness day)...

wore black (unplanned yun ha!) amidst a sea of people wearing red. got my flunkin math score for the second exam. no surprises there, by the way. was too lazy to attend natsci2 and ended up watcing the jlo-richard gere movie with k.drew. got stuck in the lib (once again!) in a meeting with groupmates. yesterday was also the first time in my personal history when a groupmate of mine failed to finish our report (which she was supposed to be the primary authour of), thereby conceding that we have no choice but to submit our paper a day late! darn! saw about a million bunches of flowers clutched by lovestruck people. and oh! my lola did something really nice for me. hehehe...

2005-02-12T20:24:00.000+08:00

*screamin' real loud* AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

brain's too mudddled.
too confused to think straight.
too many questions.
no answers.
the proverbial fork in the road.
no idea where either paths lead to.
i want too many things.
i want to be too many things.
i dream too much.
of things that are too far-fetched.
don't wanna give 'em up anyway.

oh Lord, i need you!
remind me that it's all about You.
remind me that it's all up to You.

2005-02-09T11:27:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder if i'm selling myself short or if i'm just being realistic.

i want too many things but i never even try. too afraid of failure or embarassment.

but then frustration builds up. i kick myself for being such a coward.

they say that when you want something bad enough, you'll do just about anything for it. i guess i'm an exception.

i want something so badly but i'm being hindered by the what-ifs and the possibility of its unattainment.

*sigh*

2005-02-06T19:33:00.000+08:00

got to talk to my bestfriend again. unfortunately for about forty-seven and a half seconds only cos she sounded really sick. she asked me to call again later after dinner but i won't cos i'd rather spare her tonsils from verbal volleyball tonight.

got to talk to erena, too. for a lot longer though. (",) but our conversation wasn't satisfying enough. unfortunately, i still have a million things to do. oh how i miss that girl! and pattz too.

how i wish i can still see them everyday. how i wish they're just a hug away. *sigh* everyone's been too busy to get together. so sad.

at least i get to see charm almost everyday. but then i must confess i often feel left out when we do talk.

i miss my friends. i really, really do.

2005-02-06T14:10:00.000+08:00

lost.
ako.

what's new?

2005-01-19T21:44:00.000+08:00

everyone seems to have their thing...
some people have a thing for music... singing, playing an instrument or composing.
some have sports or other physical activities as their thing.
others have a thing for the arts... painting, sketching, photography, or even literature.
some others even have decorating or cooking as their thing.

what about me? what's my thing?

i want my own thing.

2005-01-17T21:57:00.000+08:00

why does it sometimes seem that my life is lifted right out of a soap opera plot?

quezon ave. mrt platform... was walking to where i usually get on the train. saw a person i had a bad falling out with over half a year ago. stopped walking and opted to wait where i was already standing instead of going there. got on the train. was able to sit comfortably between two middle-aged women. got off at the last station.

while i was lining up to get on the escalator, i noticed that he was in front of me. and so i started debating with myself whether or not i was gonna tap him on the shoulder and apologize... in public. when i decided to ignore my overinflated pride, he was already up ahead on the escalator. so i prayed to God that if He would give me a chance, i'll apologize then and there.

when i got off the escalator, he was once again a foot away from me. and so i mustered the courage to tap him on the shoulder. he turned around (and i suspect that he wasn't surprised to see me), then took my arm. we almost simultaneously apologized to each other.

it was such a blessing to finally come to good terms with this person again. funny thing was that he started saying the things that i've been feeling: how i've always wanted to apologize; how guilty i've been feeling; how awkward it is to ignore him when we pass each other in hallways... that he has been feeling those himself.

after more than half a year of not talking to this person whom i used to spend a lot of my tambay and commuting time with, i feel truly relieved that somehow we're okay again. i guess that that has been God's lesson for me today: to never hesitate to humble myself; that holding back my pride will yield more fulfilling results; and that it doesn't matter who wronged whom first, as long as forgiveness is truly in the heart.

it really feels good to restore broken friendships.

speaking of broken friends [read: sira(ulo)ng kaibigan]...

finally got to talk to my best friend last thursday! whee! =)

feels great! i just hope that i get to talk to her more often.

i really miss you, chickie. i love you so much. wag lalaki ang ulo! =)

2005-01-16T18:23:00.000+08:00

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult

You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

2005-01-16T16:56:00.000+08:00

You are Psalms.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-01-15T10:28:00.000+08:00

asking, but not really wanting an answer... too scared of what He might say.

or maybe His answer is already in front of me... and i just don't want to recognize it.

insisting on continuing with what i want for myself... rejecting the things that tell me otherwise.

change my heart, Father, that i may listen to Your replies that i do not want to hear; and that if i ask it is truly because i seek your will.

2004-12-25T20:46:00.000+08:00

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

2004-12-25T13:16:00.000+08:00

had christmas eve dinner with my mom's side of the family last night. got together with my cousins whom i rarely see. grilled each other's love lives. talked about "the future" and a probable lack of it. planned a night out, barhopping probably. and then a tequila bottle with a bowl of salt and sliced lemons showed up...

went to the living room where the oldies (with glasses of red wine in hand) were.

ma: ayaw mo talaga? kahit wine na lang kung ayaw mo yung tequila.
me: wag na. ayaw talaga.
ma: sure?
me: bagong buhay na.

took my mom's place on the couch beside my titas while everyone else cleared the buffet to use the table for their inuman.

tita (whose house we were in): come on, just one shot. join na your cousins. kahit one shot lang.
me: ayaw po talaga tita. i know what i'm missing
tita: you're not missing anything (laughs)
me: yun nga po yun (with matching smile)

my cousins got busy with the tequila.

after my tita narrated to me the advantages of social drinking when dealing business, i stared at a glass vase filled with marbles and prayed in silence until my mom came back to sit with us.

tita (to my mom):she doesn't drink?
ma: umiinom naman yan, pero ayaw na niya
tita: but why naman?
ma: self-imposed
tita: (laughing) i wish magself-impose din si sylvia
ma: (laughing) mabait na daw sya kasi christian na raw sya
tita: so you mean you're not catholic anymore

i know my mom was waiting for my answer. and so i said what she wanted to hear through gritted teeth...

me: no naman tita. yung christianity naman po is not about religion, but the relationship with god and yung pagpapakita natin nito sa lives natin eh.

we changed subjects and talked til it was time to leave for our respective houses for noche buena. us with my dad's side of the family.

after dropping off another tita and my cousins in their house, we tried to get back to our own house in manila before 12. i found myself singing now that you're near in the front seat while the radio was playing some acoustic opm song. we got home at around ten minutes past 12.

my mom's family is really loud and crazy. i can be as loud and crazy as any of them. just ask any of the people who know me well. i don't have any problems with trying to blend in with them. but i can't help but be "kj" and deviant this time.

but even then, i feel guilty. yes, i stand up for my convictions. but there are more things i'm supposed to do that i've been avoiding.

2004-12-17T18:19:00.000+08:00

it's one of 'em days when i've got nothing to do but stare into space.

had a screaming match with my mom in the car last night -- yeah, i'm gonna apologize WHEN i already mean it -- and so i missed the sv christmas party today.

been home all day with the remote control perpertually in my hand, flipping through pointless programs.

been able to catch up on much needed sleep.

i dunno why, but i really don't feel that christmas is fast approaching. i keep on saying that it's not about the lights, decorations, gifts, shopping, parties or carols; that it's all about christ. but even then i don't feel the hype. *sigh*

K.DREW(dad!), BCEL(kapatid!), A.PEPAY, CHARM, A.JAM, A.LOVELLE -- i miss you! i see you often but we really don't get to talk. i hope to spend some quality time with you people soon *hug tight*

2004-12-11T18:05:00.000+08:00

had to go to the rizal racquet club for pe class. since my parental units are away in batangas, i had to commute! took the crammed lrt to edsa, then the even more crammed mrt to shaw. got off the wrong platform and ended up in a mall which i wasn't aware existed -i think it was at the side of shangri-la or something- so i had to walk to where the jeepney terminals were. got confused as to which jeepney to ride (there was quite a number of routes to choose from and i really didn't know which one would take me where i wanna go). and so i hailed a cab. stupid me! i forgot to make sure that the meter was running and ended up paying much, much more than what i was supposed to.

on the way back, i got on a jeepney which said mrt. to my horror, it went around some side streets when i expected it to go straight down shaw to edsa like the other jeepneys. after about 30 minutes (and after i was left with only one other passenger) i saw faint signs of edsa. to my relief, i was able to get down at the same mall that i was in earlier. and so i walked to the mrt station and headed home.

all that for one lousy signature on my attendance card!

2004-12-08T19:06:00.000+08:00

i'm sick. i've got the sniffles, cough and a very annoying deep, froggy voice...

...and i have my first voice lesson on friday.

ehrm... help?!

=(

2004-12-06T21:04:00.000+08:00

what a lazy day! missed math class because i overslept--must have hit the snooze button 4 times til i gave in to the tempting warmth & softness of my blood red comforter. woke up almost 3 hours later to go to school. ran kinda late because of traffic. decided to skip natsci2 and try to sleep in the tambayan (which, of course, would have been an impossible feat with all the hyperactive people there). had lunch with a.pepay, bcel, chame & romina in their boarding house. went to my 1-5.30 psych class where i literally kept on falling asleep. had a styrocup of overly diluted coffee from casaa during break, then fell asleep atop my pink notebook once again. took the mrt home. will write my anthro assignment when i manage to tear myself from this computer screen. will probably fall asleep before it gets done. g'nytie! (",)

2004-12-04T20:03:00.000+08:00

so much has happened. our circumstances now differ. we both have changed.

we rarely talk. i feel as if we don't connect anymore; as if i barely know you.

to hold on, or to let go? a choice is not necessary. growing up does not mean growing out.

i don't know if any of that made sense, but i do miss my bestfriend.

2004-12-04T19:44:00.000+08:00

so sorry with my attitude last week. i miss you.

and i'm so sorry for posting this picture. i just couldn't help it! =)

2004-11-26T22:58:00.000+08:00

just got back from the lrt fellowship's dop in pnu.

14 of us from updiliman were able to come: a.lovelle, k.drew, a.hannah, a.mina, k.budj, k.marky, a.riz, pao, romina, isay, marie, jinky, frank and me!

was terribly affected and convicted guilty by ate elsie's message about prayer. haaay....

got to witness-along with cathietot and k.echo- saji's (public) prayer -- something we've been waiting for since camp. nakaka-bless talaga

saw my fellow campers. really glad to be with some of the oreo people again (hanna, saji and k.echo) pero bitin pa rin. didn't get to bond much. there's always a next time, right?

had a bonding session with k.echo -who had to go out of his way to wait with me in the mall while waiting for my ride in robinson's manila. bait talaga!

got home at around 10. had to keep myself from peeking into the "surprise" dessert tita had with us in the car. t'was worth the wait. yum!

trying to help daddy drew create his own blog. gotta look for his song requests pa, and change his color scheme. (",)

have to get up early tomorrow to watch some play by dulaang up required for comm3 class. dang!

my feet are really sore and full of blisters cos i made the mistake of wearing high-heeled sandals when all my classes are all in the 3rd floor of different buildings. oh well!

tama na muna. gotta go edit dad's blog.

2004-11-25T19:13:00.000+08:00

1 o'clock (onwards) classes were suspended due to the transport strike. papalampasin ba naman ng mga taga-esbi ang pagkakataong ito? (",) syempre, di puwedeng di gumimik. in other words, kailangan manuod ng sine. specifically, BCUZ OF U. sa dami at ingay namin (a.lovelle, a.pepay, chame, bcel, romina, k.matt, k.drew, a.mina, a.eya, a.ela, bj, a.riz, migs, k.miko, jacob&friend), naging mas nakakatuwa yung mga side comments at kulitan kesa sa movie. idagdag pa yung constant panghahampas ni ate lovelle sa braso ko. at da best pa rin si kuya miko na napilitang manuod at gustong magtakip ng mukha habang pumapasok ng sine... siya pa yung may nakitang kakilala sa loob! at syempre, di pwedeng di magpa-picture sa labas ng theatre para makita ang sign na bcuz of u. o diba? nakaka-walang dangal! sana na lang walang makakilala sa'min. astig din pala ng color coding ng damit ng mga tao kanina. parang magsportsfest lang... (",)

haaay... kung pwede lang sanang forever ganito ka-relax ang buhay.

2004-11-24T18:59:00.000+08:00

what a day! got to school at around 9am... early enough to be able to enrol for voice lessons without being late for my 10am pe class. i got to the gym a little before 10, then i realized that i didn't have my form5 with me. since there is a "no form5, no entry" policy in the gym, i had no choice but to miss my class. and so i went to sm north where i bumped into the memteam. after having lunch, rachel and i had to rush back to up to get to our respective one o'clock classes. t'was already quarter past 1 when i got to the as steps. i half-ran to our room only to find some of my classmates just hanging out. apparently, it was announced the week before that we weren't gonna meet this week. i was about to go home already but i decided to check if there were still people in the esbi tambayan. kuya drew (who still had a 2.30 class) and romina were there. not five minutes passed when we decided to go to sm north. and off we went (with kuya matt), wasting hours in odyssey and the food court 'til it was time for me to go home. 2 and 1/2 hours of travel for nothing! waaaah!

i feel so tired lately. i actually had a crying and kicking fit last night. don't ask me why. i don't know either. all i know is that i'm REALLY tired. and it's only the beginning of the sem!

2004-11-22T20:41:00.000+08:00

it really sucks when the bubble that you hold on to bursts without a moment's notice. moreso, when that bubble is what keeps you looking forward to the future; keeping you sane and your hopes alive.

it's funny how at one moment you're ecstastic about a certain turn of event, and at the next split second you'd want nothing more than to hide your face inside a paper bag. and you know it's all your fault. it should have been left as it is. but you unknowingly and unintentionally ruin the moment. there's no turning things back. what's been said is out in the open, irrevocable.

i hate disappointments. i hate learning that what i yearn for can never be mine. i hate looking like a fool.

but that's life. things won't always be as i want them to be. it doesn't matter how hard i kick and scream.

there are just some things that i'm gonna have to deal with. and until then, i'm off to search for what is left of me after my precious bubble bursts.

2004-11-21T21:04:00.000+08:00

*i hate waking up at 5am everyday
*i don't like commuting an average of 2&1/2 hours a day, moreso when it's that time of the year when it's already dark outside by the time my last class wraps up
*i've got zits sprouting all over my face due to lack of sleep and the pollution that you inevitably have to put up with when you commute
*darn you, math 100 and that prof who keeps saying "this guy!" and who's now referring to numbers as "mga tao." believe me, sir, they're inanimate and far from human
*arrggh! to my 9hours-a-week class!
*i want my pe and cwts classes to be over with! i can't stand it anymore!

okay... don't get me wrong. i'm not that bitter about my life. in fact, i'm in a happy state right now. so many blessing... so many things to be thankful for.

but then that's gonna be another entry for another time...

2004-11-11T20:53:00.000+08:00

i only got around to typing this today but it was actually written 13 days ago when i was still stuck in batangas without a computer...

whee! my first ever camp experience! (to think that i'm already 18. heheh...) t'was really great and i'd like to go again.

gusto ko mag-kc kahit alam kong impossible na payagan ako! but then... i still have almost half a year to pray, plead, convince or kick and scream if all else fails.

the best thing about camp are the new friends. i must admit that i went there quite annoyed that none of my friends are going. turns out that that was the best thing for me. had my friends been there, i would not have made any effort to get to know the other campers. speaking of friends...

NANAY HUNH: not in a zillion grains of sand would i have expected to bond with you. it just goes to show that first impressions don't always hold true. (",) thank you for listening to my endless litany of pointless chatter and for sharing your own stories with me. i miss you already. love you, 'nay.

JOHANNA: kapatid ko! i feel truly blessed that we FINALLY got to spend time together and bond a bit. the metal box awaits endless hours of more bonding for us, my dear!

AEDA: prom queen! (",) though we didn't get to make a lot of kwento (hehe ang coño...) i know that we will still have a lot of opportunites to do just that. daan ka lagi sa tambayan! (",)

OREO PEOPLE -- HANNA, ATE ARMI, ATE ABI, SAJI, KUYA ECHO, KUYA MAYK, KUYA CHRISTIAN, KUYA JIMBOY: miss ko na kayo agad! salamat sa tawanan, iyakan, kainan at iba pa. sana makita ko pa kayo uli

KUYA ECHO: thanks so much for all your comforting words. at salamat rin for sharing your life and your stories. see you around, kuya!

KUYA MAYK: iba ka! astig! pahingi ng copy ng poem mo!

HANNA: sobrang nabitin ako sa kuwentuhan natin. di bale! lapit lang bahay ko sa school mo. i hope to see you around. gawa tayo ng org... Psychologists for Christ. hehehe... (",)

KUYA JOROSS: umalis ka na nga ng walang sabi, di ka pa nagrereply sa text messages ko. basta! idol! (",)

CABIN 9-slash-5 --ATE TARITS, ATE BABY, ATE SHASHA, THEIA, HANNA, ATE ARMI, ATE ABI, SAJI, ATE HAZZLE, ATE MINNIE, SARAH: blessing talaga kayo! salamat sa pagsharean natin ng mga kuwentuhan, dramahan, halakhakan, kakiligan, kikay kits at sa ating impromptu beauty parlor. mga cabinmates na kasing-kikay at kasing-ingay...

ATE TARITS: salamat sa pagtitiyaga sa aking showbiz na mga kwento! i hope to see you around, gorgeous ate!

THEIA: miss na kitang asarin gabi-gabi! double L!

special mention po pala kina KUYA JAY at KUYA JHUN: dahil po sa inyo, lalong nagulo ang napakagulo ko nang utak. isa na po sa mga memorable words para sa akin ang BAR...

sa iba pang tao: hi! bye! (labo. heheh...)

2004-11-10T22:59:00.000+08:00

what if...
...a person(#!1) you hold in a high esteem shares with you a past experience involving another person(#2) whom you don't know?
...you unknowingly befriend and become close to person #2, and you've come to have a high regard for him/her?
...you are endeared to both persons and you wouldn't want to think ill of either of them?
...as much as you wouldn't want to believe what person #1 said, you know that you trust him/her fully, without any trace of doubt?
...you really don't want your relationship with person #2 to be affected by the things you've heard but you know deep down that something has inevitably changed?
...nothing should have changed but you know you're never gonna look at person #2 the same way that you used to, and you're not comfortable anymore, yet you have to push these thoughts at the back of your mind because you would never, ever want person#2 know that you've heard of such things about him/her?

answering those questions hypothetically would have been hard enough. having to face up to it is just plain disheartening.

it just makes you realize that even people you look up to are mere mortals: far from perfect, flawed, and sometimes just plain unbelievable in a not-so-positive way.

---

i received a call last night which really, really surprised me.

there's a decision that has to be made next week... something i feel He has been preparing me for. still, there is no certainty of what SHOULD be done. all i can do now is pray.

---

for some very weird reason, i feel really left out. i really don't know why.

but it's nothing major. i guess i just can't relate to their preoccupations.

it's not even an issue. i'll bounce back for sure.

---

i'm still on a high from lcdc. i hope it lasts.

i've been meaning to write about camp, but all my thoughts are really messed up in my brain and the stuff that i wrote down weeks ago seem to be missing. add that to the fact that it's been ages ago and half of the things i would have wanted to write about are now erased from my memory (which by the way is very unreliable...).

---

a new sem has begun and i actually feel positive about it. wheee!!!

---

yipee! my friendster account is in working order once again!

2004-10-19T22:30:00.000+08:00

i'm a brat.
i like things to go my way, else i'll kick and scream (inwardly, though).

but i know i have to get over that attitude. there've been plenty of times when i've been successfully able to take in and accept the fact that there are some things which are beyond my control. most of the time, i sulk.

i used to think that when you want something desperately and badly enough, you're bound to get it. sometimes, i still do. but i know now that that is not the case.

there are some things that i really want. things that i know i'll be more than willing to give anything for. but inwardly i know that a lot of those things are not for me, if not altogether impossible to attain.

i shudder to think that i dream too high and too far that i will never be happy with what i have. i just pray that i am able to appreciate what i have been blessed with.

is it wrong to want so much? they say that nothing is impossible. i would very much like to believe that. in fact, i've taken it to heart.

but then, i don't even try.

still, i have hope.

2004-10-13T14:39:00.000+08:00

You represent... hope.
You're quite a daydreamer and can be a hopeless
romantic. You enjoy being creative and don't
mind being alone at times. You have goals, and
know what you want in life... even if they are
a little far fetched.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

daydreamer, hopeless romantic, far-fetched dreams
true.
too true.

2004-10-11T18:16:00.000+08:00

argh! i still have a 5-page paper for psych108 (single spaced, TNR, 12, 1-inch margin all around)... the topic of which was given just this morning! and it's quite difficult! we have to link the seven reports (which i can barely remember) into sikolohiyang pilipino bilang sikolohiya ng loob at kapwa! i have til friday morning to submit the paper. any form of mental, emotional, spiritual (or anything!) help will be much appreciated.

am still freaked out about math. i have no idea how my final exam turned out. help, please, lord! i really can't afford the delay that taking math14 again would entail. and then there's the whole issue of the final exam being EXTREMELY an unsolvable mystery to me. who knew that i could fill two bluebooks with random scratches of my pen, and eventually cross out half of my computations? to anyone reading this: pray for me. please.

my parents are letting me join the lcdc. but then nobody else seems to be going. therefore: second thoughts, second thoughts. is there anyone out there (whom i, at least, know on a first name basis -as of today- going?!) nagpaparinig po kay charm at ate lovelle... yeah! yeah! i understand. no choice po kayo... =,<>

oh no! ang removals ng math (but i'm praying that that won't even become an issue) ay kasabay ng lcdc. sana talaga pumasa na lang ako ng math! kahit tres lang. please, lord!!!

when will this sem ever end?!

2004-10-11T17:12:00.000+08:00

2004-10-07T11:33:00.000+08:00

indulged myself with more than 13 hours of sleep last night... now i have a throbbing headache.

back to reality and being a student amidst finals week...

i have to submit a paper (which i haven't even started yet) at the end of the day. i also have to study for my math finals tomorrow. i wonder how i'll be able to do both :s

i desperately need to pass my math finals. i have no intention of taking math14 again, and i'm already supposed to take math100 next sem. help me, lord!

as for the paper... i have no idea where to start. and it's supposed to be in tagalog! i sure know how to speak it, but i certainly don't know how to write well in it. i can write in tagalog in a light, joking manner. but a serious essay? oh no! praise god for my trusty english-tagalog dictionary.

change topic.

is it some freak of nature that even people i don't know have labeled me a "lawyer?!"

charm and ate lovelle were talking to their geol prof yesterday, and he started calling me their "abogado." he wouldn't quit it, not even when we were already leaving. was that prophetic or something? oh no!

honestly, being a lawyer sounds quite interesting and somewhat appealing to me. (think power suits and 4-inch stilletos with a matching sleek brief case completed by a chignon or waist-length free-flying hair, depending on what's to be accomplished for the day) i just don't want to go through all the embarassment that's inevitable in law school and the taxing hours preparing for and taking the bar exams. and of course there's also the whole issue of passing the lae in the first place.

but that's still (or only?) two years away from now. who knows if i'll be totally convinced that i want to be a lawyer then, or if i'll already be serious about another career.

2004-09-30T20:32:00.000+08:00

really tired

trying to be a good student for once

anticipating to function on an average of 5 hours of sleep til the middle of the month when this sem FINALLY ends

still smiling though

salamat po papa god (",)

2004-09-25T00:31:00.000+08:00

astig ni kuya iking!
i'm proud to announce that i'm now officially a fan.

just got back from hard rock, where kuya iking bagged the third prize (trophies, cash prize and all...) as well as the ego boost and bragging rights. galing talaga! t'was the first time that i heard him sing, and i was literally floored by his awesome performance. iba talaga ang mga esbi pipol! maging showbiz din kaya si kuya? (",)

ang saya cos for three hours di ko inisip ang mga kailangan kong gawin. aside from getting to spend some quality mrt time with ate jam and ate riz, i also got to talk to ate erin whom i miss a lot. this escape from reality was much needed. had i not spent the night out, i'd be going crazy already from too much school stuff. pinapaalala kasi sa akin ngayon ni Lord na estudyante ako. nalimutan ko na kasi e. akala ko pumapasok ako para tumambay...

i also feel great that i got to attend the last bigf for this sem. sarap ng feeling. i've been missing my cgs and fgs lately, and getting to spend time for fellowship definitely lifted my spirits. for some unknown reason, i just burst into tears during praise and worship to the point that i had to make myself stop cos my left contact lens literally fell out of my eye. good thing i caught it with my hand...

i've been feeling so tired lately... it really amazes me how He orchestrates things in such a way that even when i think to myself that i'm too tired to talk to Him, He initiates our conversations. surprisingly, i've been talking more with Him nowadays despite my crazy schedule and workload. i just pray that i survive from all that i still have to do. through Him, i know i will...

2004-09-21T19:38:00.000+08:00

it's really amazing how He orchestrates things to give us His reassurance...

earlier in my broad comm class, we were in one corner with ma'am jo talking about the application for wannabe shiftees to cmc. i told her that i really wanted to shift to mass comm but i have no choice but to obey my parents and aim for law school instead. imagine my surprise when she said oo nga. maganda yun. pagkatapos ng law pwede ka rin sa media. maraming graduate ng mass comm na nagla-law. pwede kang maging ombudsman...

for some weird reason, her words comforted me and gave me a real hope that i can still pursue a career in media. astig din cos we rarely get to have bonding moments with her, as our class is only once a week. but unexpectedly, she gave me a slight nudge towards a possible direction to take. i know that her simple reassurance that i can merge a law career and a media career will effect a positive change in my otherwise pessimistic attitude towards the rest of my college education. still nothing is definite... all i can do is pray.

2004-09-19T17:36:00.000+08:00

not a day has passed and i'm already breaking my promise to my self...

whee! bought myself a new bible. it's waaaay cool... metallic, magnetic and kinda heavy. astig!

watched the terminal. lesson learned: to wait. it was another feel good flick with a too-good-to-be-true character who was trying to fulfill his promise to his deceased father, and in the process faced endless mishaps. through it all, he dealt with the challenges with ingenuity and patience. all throughout the movie, all he did was wait. i really appreciated that he didn't end up with the leading lady, though. that would have been too much. astig din cos i'm watching "the making" of the movie on cable right now. imagine... they built the set from scratch. fantastic! i forgot how many football stadiums were supposed to fit inside that set, pero anlaki talaga. kelan kaya makakagawa nang ganung set dito sa p'nas? hehehe... despite worrying about my report tomorrow that i still have to prepare for, i really enjoyed the movie.

the weekend's over. reality check. gotta go offline now.

2004-09-18T17:40:00.000+08:00

promise to self: no blogging or going online (except for purely academic reasons) 'til i'm done with all my pending school stuff (translate: reports for psych108 and film12, project for psych108, papers for psych108 and bc10, examS, contribution for psych108 anthology, endless homework for math and psych110 given on a daily basis, and some more i've forgotten about...)
yeah.
right.
that's one promise i'm sure to break.

but since i'm already here...

FINALLY watched the notebook.
alone.
whee! this is actually the first time that i watched a movie by myself!
what a sad story... a lot of what ifs...
haaay... how would it feel to have two guys crazy over you? two gorgeous guys at that!
if only...

2004-09-15T16:05:00.000+08:00

i have a new email address and a new yahoo id... forget about the old ones. i think they're virus-laden

email: tangible_delusions@hotmail.com

yahoo!id: disconcerted_delusional

2004-09-15T16:01:00.000+08:00

just got back from the settlement area in north triangle where we were conducting surveys for cwts class. man! i'd hate to go back there, but unfortunately, i don't have a choice. i'll be going there almost every week until cwts ends next year. yes, you got it right. until march next year. dang!

i don't mean to sound so arrogant. i just don't want to be a hypocrite and say the i learned a lot, i feel so blessed to have so much as compared to them kind of stuff.

don't get me wrong. i am thankful for the comfortable life that i've been blessed with. i don't think i need to go to a squatters' area to realize that.

if my cwts facilitator or groupmates are reading this, have pity on me... i really don't want to go there anymore...

2004-09-13T18:20:00.000+08:00

*too much to think about and eventually decide on, no courage to do so

*worsening procrastinating habits have become a threat to my so-called sanity

*a zillion things to do, not enough time (yet i still find time to blog. haay... buhay addict)

*groupmates who are a lot like me in the procrastinating department

*my one-and-only crush returning to normal status (iow, kilig mode)

DRIVE--INCUBUS
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive
It's driven me before, it seems to be the way
That everyone else get around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

wala lang

2004-09-12T06:14:00.000+08:00

here's what my parents want for me: to finish law school before i pursue a career in backstage theatre or tv or whatever career i want that they can't seem to fathom.

i think that that's waaaay unreasonable.

even after i've repeated over and over again that I DON'T WANT TO BE A LAWYER ANYMORE, they keep insisting that i finish law school first before totally closing my mind on what i had previously been passionate about.

i know that it's a little early on in the game to be certain about what i really want. i also know that with my fickleness, i'm bound to want something else without a moment's notice. i'm only in my second year of college, and the possibility of law school is still more than two years away.

in our argument, my dad was asking me what i wanted to do with my life. i didn't know what to say. all i know is that i don't want to be a lawyer anymore. that made him even more furious. i understand their concern and their want for me to push my potentials. but as of the moment, law school is sooo not happening.

but then again, there is no certainty that i could GET INTO law school, which could mean that it's not yet a sealed deal, even if i submit to their demands.

man! i'm only in my second year of college... (oops! or i'm already in second year college, whichever you may find more appropriate)

i really don't want to think about this anymore. i'm tired of arguing and trying to defend my pointless self.

lord, i lift this up to you. i have every confidence that you'll show me your way before i crash and burn...

2004-09-09T18:29:00.000+08:00

i seem to be lost in a sea of people who know where they want to go and how to get there.

i know that life's not all about making plans, but i do want to have a direction.

i'm already in my second year of college, but i still don't know what i'm gonna do with my life.

at most times i feel like i don't even know myself.

i know i shouldn't worry too much. i've resolved to rely totally on god and submit my life to him.

but the uncertainty gives me jitters. i freak out at the thought that i still have to wait long.

but he has given me his assurance in jeremiah 29:11... "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

lord, i have no doubt that you will work mightily in my life. it is my prayer that you lead me to where i will best be able to serve and glorify you. give me the direction, lord, towards the future you have carved out for me. never leave my side.

2004-09-07T20:42:00.000+08:00

oookaay...

breathe in... breathe out...

i have to get a grip...

we're not yet supposed to go on air til the 21st!!! but no! my prof texted that we'll go on air on the 14th!

i don't even know my groupmates' numbers! and i won't be able to see them again til the day of the dreaded radio commentary!

what do i do?! we haven't taked about anything yet!!!

oh no!!! i think i'm gonna freak out in 21 hours...

2004-09-06T18:59:00.000+08:00

my exams, papers and projects are piling up to the point of scaryland.
i have no idea whatsoever how i'd be able to finish 'em all on time.
i'm seriously freaked out.

lord, help po. please.

just saw (or heard, cos t'was on the phone...) a more "human" side of my one and only seemingly too-good-to-be-true crush. one tired, irritable, annoyed-sounding, cranky person in my dream kilig world is enough for me, and i've already got that post covered. my bubble has burst and he's been demoted to probationary-crush status, nearing the ex-crush region. i just don't know til when that status'll last. i give it a week.

2004-09-01T21:12:00.000+08:00

haaay lord... iba ka talaga mag-remind. pina-smile mo naman ako.
sana po kung may bago ulit kayong aalisin, maging madali para sa akin mag-let go.
at kung may idadagdag naman po kayo, sana madali kong tanggapin.
request lang po... wala po sanang gulatan. mahina ang loob ko eh.
basta! ikaw na po bahala sa akin, lord.

2004-08-31T21:15:00.000+08:00

wednesday dapat ang fg, but we had it today. ang topic... god's will.

haay... i'm guilty of always saying no to the lord. sorry nang sorry pero paulit-ulit pa rin. i ask for the things that i want and refuse to accept when he says no.

like this week... pinagpipilitan ko yung gusto ko to the extent na pinaplano ko nang pabayaan yung mga dapat kong gawin. pero di talaga pumapayag si lord na gawin ko yun. sunod-sunod ang mga ginagawa niya para marealize ko na dapat kalimutan ko muna yung gusto ko at sumunod ako sa kanya. i kept telling myself that it's no big deal if i do what i want. it's of no detriment to anyone else anyway. but he kept telling me that it's never not a big deal pagdating sa pagsuway sa gusto niya. walang negotiation or compromise. nagtanong pa ako sa kanya, e sarili ko rin lang ang susundin ko. at kung sa bagay na 'to lang di ko na sinusunod si lord, pa'no pa kaya sa mas mabibigat na utos nya sa'kin?

minsan, alam ko nang mali ako pero pinagpipilitan ko pa rin. i fail to listen to him. i drown him out. sabi kanina ni ate lovelle, minsan daw parang walang cell site, o malabo ang signal ng communication kay lord. pero mas madalas sa akin, nagtetext si lord, pero di ako nagrereply. pag tumatawag na sya, nirereject ko pa yung call.

i really should start listening to him.

2004-08-30T20:23:00.000+08:00

asar.

asar.

asar.

asar. asar. asar.

bakit ba she always knows the right words to say?! at exactly the right time!

i'm being sarcastic.

i'm old enough to decide for myself! i wasn't even asking!

yes lord, matigas talaga ulo ko.

2004-08-30T19:24:00.000+08:00

i got a passing score in my math exam!

okay, it was barely passing realistically speaking.

but i passed!

praise god!

and oh, my mom texted "praise god" when i told her. WOW! that's new!